Paas Aakar Bhi Tumhare..

On the last day of the DSN, I had decided that I would be going to Ashram to attend the last four days of Live Ashtavakra Geeta by Gurudev along with an Advance Course with Him, no matter what. So finally, when the time came, I reached Bangalore. Bhanuja was also there with me and a lot of other people from Panchkula had also gone to Ashram for the same. From there, I headed to Mysore, alone. There, I roamed around, reliving and remembering the moments of my lifetime in our Mysore Campus and met a few old mates. I came back to Bangalore after spending one night there. In Bangalore, Manoj Parashar, one of my long time friends also joined me. I had motivated him to come there in the Ashram. He came from Pune. So I stayed overnight at his friend’s room. We headed towards the Ashram early morning. It was Monday and along with it a very special day for me, June 14, 2010, My Birthday. With all the anticipation around, I along with Manoj, was heading towards the Ashram, getting congratulatory messages all the way through, which had started at night itself. We were getting late and as soon as we landed in the Ashram, we rushed towards Yagyashala, where Guruji were doing Rudra pooja, a weekly pooja ceremony dedicated to Lord Shiva, done every Monday. That first glimpse of His was enough to take me into a sort of disbelief, that, “Oh.. I am here, so near to Him and attending a Live Rudra Pooja”. I was feeling a little restless absorbing the moments. After the Pooja, when Guruji came out, I was able to capture some lovely pics of His.

Guruji doing Rudra Pooja in Ashram 

Guruji being hugged by Indrani (Guruji’s Pet) after the Rudra Pooja.

After a while I found Bhanuja also there, who had come with me and reunited in Ashram. We all three, I, Manoj and Bhanuja went for Breakfast. It was really delicious. While returning back, I saw some crowd gathered around there in front of Guruji’s Kutir. I didn’t know where and for what it was there. So I asked Bhanuja for what were they gathered there? Bhanuja told me that Guruji might be coming out. Then I thought, if it is like that, then I am not going anywhere.

So, we all three stood there, anticipating and waiting for Him to come out. It had been quite a while that we were standing there, so Bhanuja suggested me that we take the room first from Housing, put our luggage there and then come back, but I refused. I had decided that I was not going to move anywhere without meeting Guruji. It had been more than one hour and we were all standing. We were looking at people having appointments with Him going inside with flowers in their hands. I also wanted to give one to Him, but couldn’t take a chance of leaving the place to buy one. So I plucked one from nearby smartly, escaping people’s sight. But, that flower also couldn’t wait for too long and finally perished. But I was very keen, so I plucked one more in the same manner. It had been around 2 – 2.5 hours since we were waiting there. Perhaps that was a test of our patience. Manoj was not really keen to stand there, and was questioning how only few people were allowed to go inside? As I can remember, I said something like, “Ye log to khud ja rhe hain andar, Guruji ko phool dene, par Guruji khud hame dene aayenge” [These people themselves are going inside to gift Him flowers, but He Himself will come out to gift us].

Then all of sudden, Guruji came out, sitting in a golf cart. I rushed to His side and exclaimed, “Guruji, aaj mera B’ day hai..” [Guruji, it’s my B’ day today], while presenting Him that flower. Guruji asked me again very innocently, “Kya” [What], I said, “Guruji, mera B’ Day hai..” [It’s my B’ Day Guruji].

At that moment, it felt like, He was listening only to me, in centre of that chaos, and time seemed to freeze for a few moments. He took the flower from me, looked into my eyes and in return gave me a beautiful Red Rose. As He passed by, I was still unable to absorb the moments and was jumping and shouting in ecstatic joy. I shouted towards Manoj, “Dekha mai keh rha tha na..” [See, I was saying this na] waving that flower towards him and Bhanuja, seeing all this, was smiling and being very happy for me.

It was not just a flower for me. It meant a lot more to me. I quickly arranged for a temporary box for it.

Flower given by Guruji (Pic clicked after a long time)

Later in the day, we all three along with some other Chandigarh pals celebrated my B’ Day. It was an awesome day. I didn’t miss any chance to see Guruji. Later in the evening, it was Ashtavakra Geeta Session and hundreds of people had turned for it.

Guruji going to His kutir to sleep late at night.

After a couple of days, my Advance course also started. While in the ashram, my longing for Him was growing day by day, as I was not able to meet Him and talk to Him closely. It was the time, when my mind was wavering with a few Questions that I wanted to ask Him. I wanted to talk to Him, but that was not happening. Moreover, the silence in the Advance Course had begun and my chances of talking to Him went further down.

That longing kept on increasing, and one evening in the Ashtavakra Session, some words of poetry whispered from my heart. Though I was in silence, but I wanted to break that to say those to Him. But perhaps, He didn’t want that, so I wrote them down on the paper and handed to the person authorized to read it all. To my utter disgust, He didn’t read those out and I felt further disappointed.

Here are those heartfelt words, perhaps my best ever in its class:

*

पास आकर भी तुम्हारे, ये इतनी दूरी क्यों है?

दिल मे रहते हो तुम.., फ़िर मिलने मे इतनी मजबूरी क्यों है?

क्या अब सब कुछ बोल कर ही कहना होगा तुमसे मुझे,

मेरे मौन की गूँज, इतनी जरूरी क्यों है…??

Eventually, that longing and gratitude was so powerful that I broke down in one of the Ashtavakra sessions.

The course somehow got completed; it was the second last day of my trip. We came to know, that Guruji would be coming soon to give darshan to all. We all aligned up ourselves. There were some thousand people sitting there. All were waiting for a glimpse of His very anxiously. Finally, He came and started meeting each of us. I was getting very restless. As He was approaching towards me, my heart was beating faster and faster and when He finally came to me, I bowed, kissed His lotus feet and with overwhelemed heart, all I could say was, “Guruji, gale se laga lo” [Guruji, give me a hugg] and He embraced me lovingly, tapping my cheek. Finally, He left after meeting all amid seemingly chaotic scenes.

With Him, there is play even in conflicts, there is peace even in chaos, there is fun even in knowledge, there are celebrations even in silence and there is a profound silence even in celebrations. Such is the magic in His physical presence.

Now, my last day of the trip came. Advance Course session was going on, but I was standing outside His Kutir with flowers in my hands. I thought, sitting in Advance course would mean I would not get His last day darshan. Aditi, my office friend, came there and asked me why was I standing there and not attending the session? I simply overlooked her suggestions. Finally, she assured me, that I go back and in case He comes, she would inform me. So I started walking back with my head down, thinking that He appears just once to me, and to my astonishment, when I looked up, His car was coming in front of me, but alas, the filmed glasses were covered, and I could not see Him, but He must have seen me for sure!

I went back to the course session and was made to sit into meditation, but my mind was roaming somewhere else. I was waiting for a call from Aditi. During the meditation, I was praying that He comes just once and as soon as I opened my eyes after meditation, I saw there was a seat set on the stage, and it could have been for none other than Him. I was feeling overawed by His Love and the way He was listening to me. After some time, He came there, and made us sit into meditation for a while.

After that, when He was moving out, I said to myself and also prayed Him that “This is the last chance here and let me ask what I wanted to ask you”. So when His car moved out, I ran to it, and recollecting my whole strength, asked Him what was there in my mind for so long. He looked into my eyes and replied in His own manner, that only He knew best and moved ahead. Although confused with His answer, I was relieved of having asked Him what I wanted to.

Finally, it was time to leave. I didn’t want to leave that place, as it seemed very painful like a daughter leaving her parents’ home. I had fallen in love there and had not explored that enough also during my stay. So I went for a quick walk over it with Aditi and came back.

When I finally came out of Ashram, I realized that, “Oh.. I am still living in this very world..!!!”